It began as somewhat humorous then became absolutely fascinating as I sat listening to a couple of colleagues delve deeper into their conversation. In many respects it was like watching a tennis match, inclusive of hundred mile per hour serves, strategic short shots, and very long, hard fought volleys. Soon it was crystal clear was that neither was actually listening to the other.
“There is one skill that lies at the heart of any healthy person, family, school, community organization, or society: the ability to see someone else deeply and make them feel seen—to accurately know another person, to let them feel valued, heard and understood.” This is the observation from author David Brooks in How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen.
Drawing on psychology, neuroscience, philosophy, history, education, and even theater, Brooks suggests there are critical questions to ask when moving to a place of greater understanding of another person. “When you are asking a good question, you are adopting a posture of humility. You’re confessing that you don’t know and you want to learn. You’re honoring the person.”
I really appreciate Brooks’ book and have recommended it to a number of friends and colleagues. Gone are the days when we lived in a closed community unaware of those whose culture, history, and values differ from ours. Travel, television, and the internet endlessly expose us to the realities of others, from nearby neighborhoods to the other side of the world. This awareness can be intriguing but also challenging because of the depths of the difference. And the awareness of these differences can often quickly digress into divisiveness.
It does not need to be this way. When we start at a place of commitment to respect the dignity of every human being, then inevitably the person will feel seen, valued, heard, and understood. And it all begins with sincerely wanting to learn more about the other person without judgement—their culture, history, values.
“The quality of mercy became more and more real to me. How am I with those who differ from me, whose voice is authentic to their beliefs? How do I sit with them hearing a different value system shaped by their culture and their faith. How do we listen to each other? How am I in a place of mercy, listening and speaking in such a way…that shows God’s love” – Phoebe Griswold