Recently I had the pleasure of being on a panel with other Bishops in the Episcopal Church discussing “The Changing Church”. It was a lively discussion and one of the comments I particularly appreciated was from friend and colleague Phoebe Roaf, Bishop of West Tennessee. “The first thing we need to do is be honest about the present reality.”
Sounds simple, yet honestly naming and owning our present reality is often very challenging. This is in part because in doing so we will bring voice to those things we would rather keep quiet or at least speak about in hushed tones. Disappointment, shame, guilt, fear are usually center-most in our reasoning and rationale of things we try to avoid discussing. The other major force at play is a strong avoidance of conflict.
The difficulty is, as a therapist once said to me, “The dish is still dirty.” Living the illusions as best as we can, denial does not trump actual existence. Until we come clean, the dish will still needs to be washed…and as many a college student knows, the longer you wait the filthier the dirty dish becomes.
With no shortage of concerns, real or imagined, being honest about reality can be a heavy lift. Yet to not do so at best inhibits realizing our full potential and at worst in the end can have catastrophic consequences.
No one may be more articulate than Paul was to the faith community in Ephesus wrestling with their unfolding reality, “…speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way…”
This is why it is not only important that we lean into being honest but also be intentional about how we do so. The key to fully embracing our present situation is to do so with openness and compassion.
There are two pieces of wisdom that I have found particularly helpful in leaning in and being honest about one’s reality. One is, “The first responsibility of a leader is to define reality. The last is to say thank you. In between, the leader is a servant,” a quote from Max De Pree. The second is, “Show up and be present, tell the truth in love and have no attachment to the outcome,” from Angeles Arrien.
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