The room was filled with young adults and the energy was palpable. “So here’s my question,” a young woman stated in a strong voice. “What is love?” Those gathered reacted to her question with sounds and gestures of approval. Feeling the crowd’s affirmation, she continued. “Of course we all heard in Sunday school or youth group or church to love God and love your neighbor as yourself…what does that love look like?”
I let the question hang in the air for a moment as I pondered how I might best answer this great question while we played Stump BP (trust me, not hard to do with this crowd). “What a great question. In fact, I might suggest it is the foundational question to all of our questions.”
“Recently I read a blog by Mark Manson that really resonated with me and caused me to reflect on its relevancy to this question of what love looks like.” I then proceeded to share Manson’s frame for 3 Core Components to a Healthy Relationship with some perspective from others.
All healthy relationships share the following three core components:
- Mutual respect
- Mutual trust
- Mutual affection
Mutual respect:
Love at its deepest level is about mutual respect. Truly seeing, hearing, and affirming a person. As theologian Richard Rohr writes, “We are co-creators with God, so we must respect our own embodiment—and the sacred embodiment of the other.” And it is one of the primary calls of our faith to “respect the dignity of every human being.” I really appreciate the insight of friend and colleague Catherine Meeks around the centrality of respect: “People who do not have respect for one another and the ability to see one another as God’s beloved children, who are equals in terms of their intrinsic worth cannot form healthy life affirming relationships with one another.” Love looks like respect.
Mutual trust:
Love at its core is about our capacity to share a space of trust with another. Challenging for sure, because all of us have felt the sting of betrayal. Yet that sting is part of the sweetness, knowing that pain may come our way but still trusting someone, this is a clear act of love. In the Hebrew scriptures the word faith is most closely translated as trust. Trust and faith are inherently woven together. Brian McLaren offers this: “We trust those we love most with our deepest fears, doubts, emptiness, and disillusionment. So we love God when we share those vulnerable aspects of our lives with God.” And Richard Rohr offers these words: “This is why it is crucial to allow God, and at least one other trusted person to see us in our imperfection and even our nakedness, as we are—rather than as we would ideally wish to be. It is also why we must give others this same experience of being looked upon in their imperfection; otherwise, they will never know the essential and transformative mystery of grace.” Love looks like trust.
Mutual affection:
Love’s greatest manifestation is affection. Compassion, empathy, sensitivity, intimacy, and vulnerability all are outward and visible expressions of love. Thirteenth century mystic and poet Mechthild offers these words: “Love of God and of humanity are not two separate things, as if one could love God but shun humanity. Compassionate action reflects and mirrors the divine image. Love is not an emotion or obligation but is God present in the soul. When we love others with warmth, affection, and care for their needs, it is God loving them through us.” Love looks like affection.
Maybe the best summary of what love looks like comes from a young adult novelist, Simone Elkeles: “Love is honesty. Love is a mutual respect for one another. Love is trust. Love is loyalty.”
BP