“Mattering is not a reward you earn. It is the foundation from which you live.” – John R. Miles.
After a long pause…. he said with an intense sense of defeat, “I actually have no idea who I am anymore.” Articulated in a multitude of different ways, the sentiment and the accompanying anxiety is always the same – who am I if I am no longer __________ .
Most of us cultivated much of our identity predicated on a role: CEO, plumber, accountant, electrician. This self-perception is consistently reinforced by the majority of new interactions with others, “So what do you?” And our answer is: “I’m a lawyer,” “an educator,” etc.
Consequently, the message that we consistently tell ourselves, and is affirmed by others, is that our value lies in what we do. My worth is completely aligned with my role, and amplified if I excel at said role – then I’m worth more. And it’s not just my worth; the message makes it clear that this is the manifestation of why I matter.
The clear consequence of shaping one’s life on role and responsibilities is that every relationship at its core tends to be transactional. I matter to you because of what I do and or what I can provide for you.
John R. Miles wrote a noteworthy book entitled The Mattering Effect. He offered in an interview with Mick Hunt on Mick’s Unplugged, “We can become so identified with what we do that we begin to confuse our usefulness with our worth. We measure our significance by how we accomplish, how many people depend on us, or how indispensable we have become. Being needed and mattering are not the same thing. Our greatest contribution to one another may not be what we do, but simply the gift of who we are.”
What would it be like if we began to shift our understanding of why we / others matter from role and responsibility to inherent respect and relationship. It is as David Brooks writes in his book How to Know a Person, “The ability to see someone else deeply and make them feel seen”…that is how to be in relationship that is transformational not transactional: seen, heard, valued, and essential as we were created to be.
“Mattering is not a reward you earn. It is the foundation from which you live.” – John R. Miles.
BP