Every time there was a challenging debate or significant difference between folks, long time friend, mentor and previous President of the Episcopal Church’s House of Deputies Dean George Werner would say, “A community is a place where everybody gets something and nobody gets everything.”
What I really appreciate about this simple yet elegant statement is that at the heart of community is compromise. It cuts to the core of all human relationships and is the necessary component for the capacity to compromise.
You need no greater reinforcement of this dynamic than to look at the headlines of the day. Labor unions across the country are striking and the only way forward will be some level of compromise. The Speaker of the House was ousted last week by a few members of congress for compromising. War rages on in numerous places in the world and there appears to be no coming to a compromise any time soon.
Wellness advocate Donna Martini offers this, “Compromise is not about losing. It is about deciding that the other person has just as much right to be happy with the end result as you do.” Therein lies why compromise is so challenging for us. We far too often enter into a difference of opinion or all-out conflict through the lens of win or lose. We navigate from a paradigm of either-or, rather than seeking the possibility of both-and.
When walking with leaders, groups, couples caught in a conflict quagmire the first thing I invite is to start from a posture of deeply listening to what the other(s) is suggesting or seeking. The reality is when most of us find ourselves in conflicted situations we are building our argument, our fortress rather than seeking a real understanding of what the other is looking for. And we are never going to build a compromise bridge that brings us together if we do not truly understand the other person’s perspective.
Unbeknownst to me at the time, one of the greatest lessons I ever learned was from a favorite elementary teacher who when conflict flared up between two students would walk both over to a corner of the room and say, “You have two minutes to work this out. And trust me, your compromise will definitely be better than my consequence!”
“Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” Romans 12:17-18
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