With a somewhat of a wryly smile on his face he said, “I see you’ve found yourself in the quandary of one of the ultimate dilemmas for a leader – is it more important for you to be liked or respected?”
Without even taking a breath the young leader reacted, “Isn’t that a false dichotomy – can’t my team both like me and do what I tell them what to do?”
The sage leader simply responded, “For every leader there will come a time when they have to decide if they are going to do what they believe is the right decision even though it will be unpopular.”
The reality is there often is a real tension between two dynamics. One is about feeling and the other is about thinking.
In my experience most humans appreciate being liked. Sure, some of us can attempt to dismiss or diminish others, who for whatever reason appear to dislike us. Yet inherently my sense is it strikes a nerve in most of us how other’s feel about us.
Likewise, one of the core desires of humans is to be respected. To be seen and heard intrinsically matters to our sense of being.
With this internal tug of war at play it’s no wonder so many leaders struggle.
Real costs are at stake however. There is no doubt of the warm feeling of being liked and affirmed. Yet there is a higher calling that is grounded in principles, morals, integrity and authenticity that has much larger consequential impact.
The desire to be liked is certainly understandable. Yet in the end this focuses on our personal need. Respect on the other hand is born out of others recognizing our decisions, our lives point beyond ourselves and our personal needs.
I’ve always appreciated how Paul as a leader navigated with the early faith communities. Specifically to the folks in Ephesus when he directed them to, “speak(ing) the truth…in love.” Paul makes it clear the importance of telling the truth – and – he sees the value in doing so in a way that shows love.
Which in the end is really the quality we need from our leaders (and the rest of us as well) is both courage and compassion.
“Truth without love is brutality, and love without truth is hypocrisy.”— Warren Wiersbe